I’ve started writing two other posts this week, but I just need to say this before I say anything else:

            I am so crazy in love with God right now. 

I know I’ve loved God for the vast majority of my life, but it seems like it never compared to the way I feel right now. 

What’s different? Reading the Bible Chronologically has helped me know Him better, for one. I’ve seen nothing but His steadfast love and faithfulness to unfaithful people as I’ve read and I just don’t get it. Why does He stay? Why not leave us to our own devices? Why not just let us have our own way? Why help us when we call? Why make plans for our good when our hearts forget Him so often and even fear the good plans He has for us? 

I can’t understand it, but it’s so real in my life right now it’s controlling me. It’s changing my heart and healing me in ways I didn’t know I needed healing. Forgiving the “unforgivable”, loving the “unlovable”, seeing things below the surface and past the masks. Giving me patience and joy. Helping me be faithful and kind, even gentle. Tearing down the walls I’ve put up around my heart and turning in my plans for His. (Again. Yes, again, and probably not the last time.) I feel the separation from Him so acutely when I walk away or haven’t spent any time with Him. 

I wake up some mornings with this simple song running through my heart and head: “How I love You. Love You, Jesus.” (Christy Nockels) :) 

I want to tweet about it, but 140 characters seems insufficient. Even typing this right now seem insufficient. I want to talk about it all the time, and I kind of do. Everything circles around this thought: I. Love. God. It’s irrevocable.

I wish I could articulate it better. For once, I can’t find the words to completely explain how I feel. (That is extremely rare.) 

I sincerely hope that this time next year, I can say with as much fervor, “I have never loved Him more than I love him now.” Because as much as I feel this consuming love, I know that I’ve barely begun to understand the depth, width and breadth of His love for me. With all of that to understand and grasp, how can I ever possibly arrive? Where is there to go but further in? How could it ever get old? 

If we all dove into this walk with Christ, fully intending to know Him, and in turn falling in love with who He is… If the love of God was constantly being perfected in me and was overflowing into the lives of those around me, changing their lives… If I was Jesus to those around me… If His love just flowed through me freely… how would the world around me change?

I think I’d like to live and die trying to find out.

A friend said recently, “I’m just over being single and am ready to settle down and get married.”

Let me assert my prideful independence “real quick”: I thought about this and came to the conclusion that if being married means I have “settle down”/start a mundane routine of work and tv watching for the next 50 years where I’m required to give up all the wonderful aspects of my life that God has called me to be a part of- no, thanks, I’ll pass. I understand that this isn’t necessarily what marriage has to look like, and I say this knowing that at some point I want to not have to cut a pay check and I want to take care of my husband and kids full time, but settle down? Yeah, not so much. I kind of know I’ll move more than twice more in my life, and at some point it might be a different country. Where that will be or if that will actually happen, I don’t know, but I’m open to the possibility and I’m ready for it.

When I marry, it will be to the man who understands me, likes me, and whom I think is the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen. It will be a man that God picked out for me and set me up with, and together we’ll do ministry, while supporting the things God has called us to individually. Together we’ll wrangle however many kids God gives us. There will be hard times, and I’m ready for the fights that will be incurred by my failures. I’m praying for grace and love to supersede those moments. But I plan to succeed to the best of ability, relying on Christ to fill in my insufficiency.

Sounds fantastic, right? The cynics are full of reality checks to fill my brain with right now. I can hear them in my head. I might be the loudest one, truthfully. :\

Here’s what’s really going on: I’ve realized today that in light of all of this knowledge (because to an extent it’s true), I’m the kind of person who is actually prone to settle. The truth is, really, I could be content with a regular job, 2.2 kids, a good husband, coming home to eat dinner and watch a movie on the couch. A carefully plotted and planned out life. I could be okay going to the same church my whole life and volunteering on Sundays or Wednesdays. I actually could. I could live in Covington for the rest of my life and be okay. Ok, that might be going a little far. I mean I love being here now, but I’m a Northerner at heart, so we’ll say I could live in the suburbs of Chicago for the rest of my life and be okay. :)

In all reality, I have a “settle down” nature. This might stem from a desire to never be disappointed or have to wait, because when you’re placidly content you don’t have to strive for anything or wait on everything. Also, it probably comes from wanting to prove to God that I can be content in any situation the way Paul boasted of in Philippians 4:11-13. The problem with this is that I often sit down and get comfortable during a pause in life while God is leading me forward. Leading me to the next place.

I thought about this today as I read the end of Exodus:

“Throughout all their journeys, whenever the cloud was taken up from over the tabernacle, the people of Israel would set out. But if the cloud was not taken up, then they did not set out till the day that it was taken up.” (40:36-37)

This hits me every time I read it. I’m always struck by the ready-set-stop-and-go movement of the Israelites in this time. Headed for a land they had never seen. Tired. No doubt dusty and dirty. Many times they contented themselves with desires to going back to Egypt or even settling where they were.

Honestly, I’d probably be the same way. I’d hate to think of myself as the kind of person who would complain about conditions or eating the same thing everyday, but I find myself doing that from time to time. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so volatile towards God, but I’ve been known to tell God that I’m good here (wherever that is) if that’s where He wants to keep me- knowing that isn’t His plan. It’s like I’m trying to prove to God He’s everything I need, while seeking my own comfort and masking my fears as contentment.

Then there’s the flip side where I see what He has and I’ll try and sprint towards it. (Or so I think I am.) I find myself daydreaming about that moment when I finally live in my proverbial Promised Land, and then I’m working to prove to him that I’m brave enough to do anything He asks and give whatever it costs. I’ve been known to jump off a cliff or two when He never asked me to do that. It’s like I’m trying to show Him that my life is His completely and I’ll do the reckless thing, while I mask my disdain for my circumstances as bravery.

Lather, rinse, repeat the cycle.

I’ve done this repeatedly with my crushes on guys. 18-26 was filled with trying to make things work… knowing they wouldn’t and shouldn’t. I’d liken it to the old roller coaster Shock Wave at Six Flags Great America in Chicago. Lots of whip lash and headaches, without enjoying the ride. (They took it down with good cause.) That’s a fun exhausting/painful way to live.

I think He just wants me to stay by His side. Maybe hold His hand when I get the urge to run and lean on Him when I get tired of waiting or walking.

Honestly I think He gives me glimpses of His plans, because He knows that once I know what’s in store, I’ll never be able to really settle.

Jim Elliot said:

“Dreams are tawdry when compared with the leading of God, and not worthy of the aura of wonder we usually surround them with. God only doeth wonders. He does nothing else. His hand can work nothing less.”

I think I know that in the depth of my being, thus even though I tell myself and God that I’d be content with less than what He’s given me to do, be and have— I don’t really think I would. Less would be my dreams and plans. Even if these contained fame and fortune, I could never be content knowing I had left Him.

Here’s the problem, at some point, Christ really did become my everything.
I claimed Him early in life and I think He’s always had me, but somewhere in the last few years, that need for Him just kind of took over.

So I should just stop trying so hard and just be His, trusting Him explicitly and only choosing His best- His perfect will for me. I just want to live like the Israelites in that passage- not moving unless He’s moving and not staying unless He stays. It’s so simple, why do I over complicate it?

What is the point of being almost 27 1/2 and still having so much to learn? :)
Praise God for being patient enough to teach me, and amazing enough to want me.

I could live forever in wonder of that simple truth.

I really don’t care if it annoys anyone around me- I’m going to wear this song out. :)

You never change
You are the God You say You are 
When I’m afraid
You calm and still my beating heart
You stay the same 
When hope is just a distant thought
You take my pain 
And You lead me to the cross

What love is this- that You gave Your life for me
And made a way for me to know You?
And I confess: You’re always enough for me
You’re all I need

I look to You
I see the scars upon Your hands
And hold the Truth 
That when I can’t, You always can
I’m standing here
Beneath the shadow of the cross 
I’m overwhelmed
That I keep finding open arms

What love is this that you gave Your life for me
And made a way for me to know You
And I confess: You’re always enough for me
You’re all I need

Jesus, in Your suffering: 
You were reaching
You thought of me

It is no secret that I’m a truth and justice loving freedom fighter, and thus it should be no shock to anyone how much I admire Martin Luther King Jr., a fellow freedom fighter.

Since today is a day set aside to honor his efforts for the freedom of all people, I thought I’d save my breath and give you the link to his most famous speech up for everyone to read and listen. I suggest you should read along because reading takes effort and what you read seeps in deeper than it would have otherwise. When you’re done with that, I highly recommend Isaiah 58. It has ruined (in a good way) my life. :j

I love everything about this speech. And now as I sit here in the knowledge that sex trafficking is a number one contender for the nation’s Top Organized Crime spot, I know that just like 1963 wasn’t the end, 2012 isn’t either. I won’t rest or be satisfied until “justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream.” (Amos 5:24) I’ll give my life to bring about the freedom of those women and children.

Let Freedom Ring. :’) 

Martin Luther King Jr. “I Have A Dream”

I came early to Starbucks to try and make myself write for a few minutes before my friends Doug and Rachel get here.

My English teacher in 8th grade used to make us write for 10 minutes about anything that popped into our head. She told us to keep writing- even if we had nothing to write, we could at least write, “I don’t know what to write,” over and over until something would come out.

I hated this exercise. :j However this has mainly to do with the fact that I have unrealistic expectations on my creative skills and thus, when put under pressure to be creative for no reason other than pure creativity, I clam up and can’t do or write anything. 

I thrive on inspiration.

I see the point in it now, though, and truly I should do it more often. I’m learning that writer’s block is often the result of the pressure I put on myself for every word that I write to be perfect. I’m not even sure if I can tell you what perfect is supposed to be when I’m writing, but I’m certain that when I’m criticizing my work and am in the midst of writer’s block, everything I write is wrong.

I prefer my work to flow out of me and the only flaws to be grammatical or spelling errors I missed the 4 times I proofed it.

….

I know, I know… It’s ridiculous. Although some of you totally understand what I’m saying. Whether it’s a song, a painting, a devotional, an essay for school, a poem, whatever you’re trying to create- the pressure for it to be as epic as it is in your head seems unsurmountable. 

I need to just write like I am right now, so that I keep practicing and then the flow will be more natural. This won’t be the most amazing, life changing post you’ve ever read in your life, but I know you’ll understand me and we’ve found a common ground- AND I’ve been writing for the last 15 minutes without any pause or thought of: “This isn’t good enough!” It’s good enough. :j

And now Doug and Rachel are here. So I’m going to leave you and enjoy sharing about our lives, so I can be inspired to move forward in the next chapter of my life. Good friends are life’s treasures. I’m so blessed to have them.

Be Jesus, Jami

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” ~Jeremiah 29:11-13

Hope is contagious. Christ’s love is infectious. Share it.

(My favorite part is right around 2:36. That young mom’s face is priceless.)